Depression

I've been meaning to write this for a very long time - so here it goes.

I've always been a happy person. Not because I have had the happiest or most perfect life, but because I've always just chosen to be happy. I do attribute my knowledge and love of a Heavenly Father and Savior, a great family, and good friends to my happiness. However, I, like all people, did/do not have the perfect life. Throughout my life I learned how to be happy. I knew that if I focused on the Lord and the Savior, if I prayed, studied my scriptures, and served those around me that I was remarkably happier. I don't know the logistics, and, quite frankly, I didn't and don't really care because I know that doing those things makes me happy. So I lived my life - happy with a bad day(s) here and there. I got married to an amazing man who fit/fits me so well, I got a good job with good benefits, I graduated college, and then I had the most darling little boy in the world. Why, then, was I so unhappy? I mean, I had a great life and I was doing everything in my life that I knew would make me happy. Why did I feel hopeless and on the verge of tears every day? Why was I so angry? About a week after I had my beautiful boy something devastating happened to me - I thought about committing suicide. Literally. I actually thought that my brand new baby and my wonderful husband would be better off without me. I had heard a lot about the baby blues and how they would eventually go away. So I suppressed my feelings and stuck it out for 4 more weeks. I do have to say that it did get better, but I never felt 100% normal again. Oh yes, insert all the comments I got and still continue to get, "Oh honey, you're NEVER normal after you have a baby - your brain is fried...etc, etc, etc." And, obviously, everyone else in the world knew exactly what was going on with me even though they had no clue what was really going on in my head. At any rate, I thought I was just a mean mom and that I was not patient or quite as loving as I had hoped I would be. But on top of that my thinking was so clouded and half the time when I spoke, I sounded like an idiot. It was all so weird for me. So I continued on with my life being a partially happy person. Every day I chose to be happy, but on some of those days the "choice" I made didn't matter - I was just not happy. A little while down the road we decided to buy a house. Our OWN house! Not only that, but it was BRAND new and we got to pick out colors and carpet and flooring and counter tops....happy day! I got a raise at work, we moved into our brand new house and life was "happy." Why, then, did I hate my life? I thought that maybe it was the incredibly long winter we were having - so we made a trek to So-Cal to visit family and to visit Josh's and my mission. It was so nice - 80 degrees! We had a lot of fun and we did a lot of fun things - but I was still not happy. Finally after months and months of unexplained crying and anger and hopelessness, I asked a friend of mine how she felt when she found out she had depression. Everything she said - I could put a check mark next to. So I finally went and saw a doctor who confirmed what I had thought - I have depression. I was so incredibly embarrassed. I was one of those people on the commercials and bill boards - you know, the ones I would half laugh at because that was NOT me at all. The doctor told me that having my baby probably triggered something in my brain and that is what most likely started my chemical imbalance. Wait, WHAT? A chemical imbalance? My whole life I thought that happiness was a choice and now this doctor is telling me that sometimes you don't get to make that choice because your body is out of whack?? Slightly skeptical of this diagnosis and the medication she was giving me, I decided to give it a try. I was on it for a week and I finally felt like me again...not the me that was partially happy, but the me that was before I had my son. I could think, I could reason, I wasn't quick to get angry, I was....I was....(reluctant to say it so soon but...) I was HAPPY!!! Months went by and now it's almost been a year and I'm happy. I'm that happy person who I used to be - mommy brain (and now pregnancy brain) and all! I have hard days and some days that just downright stink - but through it all, I'm happy.
So to all of you out there who think that being happy is a choice - I do agree with you...to an extent. I was a non-believer of the whole chemical imbalance thing - until it happened to me. And I'm hear to tell all of you that it's real. To you out there who have depression but are too afraid or embarrassed to do anything about it - you don't have to live this way. There are so many options out there - I chose the medication route, but there are other ways you can go - just explore your options.

We are meant to be a happy people with some bad days. Not sad people with some good days.