Depression

I've been meaning to write this for a very long time - so here it goes.

I've always been a happy person. Not because I have had the happiest or most perfect life, but because I've always just chosen to be happy. I do attribute my knowledge and love of a Heavenly Father and Savior, a great family, and good friends to my happiness. However, I, like all people, did/do not have the perfect life. Throughout my life I learned how to be happy. I knew that if I focused on the Lord and the Savior, if I prayed, studied my scriptures, and served those around me that I was remarkably happier. I don't know the logistics, and, quite frankly, I didn't and don't really care because I know that doing those things makes me happy. So I lived my life - happy with a bad day(s) here and there. I got married to an amazing man who fit/fits me so well, I got a good job with good benefits, I graduated college, and then I had the most darling little boy in the world. Why, then, was I so unhappy? I mean, I had a great life and I was doing everything in my life that I knew would make me happy. Why did I feel hopeless and on the verge of tears every day? Why was I so angry? About a week after I had my beautiful boy something devastating happened to me - I thought about committing suicide. Literally. I actually thought that my brand new baby and my wonderful husband would be better off without me. I had heard a lot about the baby blues and how they would eventually go away. So I suppressed my feelings and stuck it out for 4 more weeks. I do have to say that it did get better, but I never felt 100% normal again. Oh yes, insert all the comments I got and still continue to get, "Oh honey, you're NEVER normal after you have a baby - your brain is fried...etc, etc, etc." And, obviously, everyone else in the world knew exactly what was going on with me even though they had no clue what was really going on in my head. At any rate, I thought I was just a mean mom and that I was not patient or quite as loving as I had hoped I would be. But on top of that my thinking was so clouded and half the time when I spoke, I sounded like an idiot. It was all so weird for me. So I continued on with my life being a partially happy person. Every day I chose to be happy, but on some of those days the "choice" I made didn't matter - I was just not happy. A little while down the road we decided to buy a house. Our OWN house! Not only that, but it was BRAND new and we got to pick out colors and carpet and flooring and counter tops....happy day! I got a raise at work, we moved into our brand new house and life was "happy." Why, then, did I hate my life? I thought that maybe it was the incredibly long winter we were having - so we made a trek to So-Cal to visit family and to visit Josh's and my mission. It was so nice - 80 degrees! We had a lot of fun and we did a lot of fun things - but I was still not happy. Finally after months and months of unexplained crying and anger and hopelessness, I asked a friend of mine how she felt when she found out she had depression. Everything she said - I could put a check mark next to. So I finally went and saw a doctor who confirmed what I had thought - I have depression. I was so incredibly embarrassed. I was one of those people on the commercials and bill boards - you know, the ones I would half laugh at because that was NOT me at all. The doctor told me that having my baby probably triggered something in my brain and that is what most likely started my chemical imbalance. Wait, WHAT? A chemical imbalance? My whole life I thought that happiness was a choice and now this doctor is telling me that sometimes you don't get to make that choice because your body is out of whack?? Slightly skeptical of this diagnosis and the medication she was giving me, I decided to give it a try. I was on it for a week and I finally felt like me again...not the me that was partially happy, but the me that was before I had my son. I could think, I could reason, I wasn't quick to get angry, I was....I was....(reluctant to say it so soon but...) I was HAPPY!!! Months went by and now it's almost been a year and I'm happy. I'm that happy person who I used to be - mommy brain (and now pregnancy brain) and all! I have hard days and some days that just downright stink - but through it all, I'm happy.
So to all of you out there who think that being happy is a choice - I do agree with you...to an extent. I was a non-believer of the whole chemical imbalance thing - until it happened to me. And I'm hear to tell all of you that it's real. To you out there who have depression but are too afraid or embarrassed to do anything about it - you don't have to live this way. There are so many options out there - I chose the medication route, but there are other ways you can go - just explore your options.

We are meant to be a happy people with some bad days. Not sad people with some good days.

Think PINK

most of you know

WE'RE HAVING A BABY

GIRL!

Well, the ultra sound tech said she's 85 to 90% sure it's a girl. I'd say those are pretty good odds. I am due on June 19th and everything is looking good.

Yes, we have a name picked out! Her name is going to be Lucy Marie Huff. We're excited...slightly terrified. I've gotten so used to a boy and boy stuff that this will be a new adventure for all of us.

Nog of the Egg

More winter Bingo

 

EGG NOG - CHECK

Josh doesn't love eggnog, but he has actually found some that he likes.

As you can tell, Benjamin loves the stuff. He always asks for more.

Delicious!

Staying up till midnight - check!

Okay, this is definitely a McMurdie square. Staying up till midnight for the Huffs happens often. Not because we love it, but because Josh works late and sometimes after he gets home is the only time we see each other. Often times he works till 11:30 or midnight. Josh decided to take it one step further and he stayed up one night(morning) till 5 a.m. No, that is not a typ-o, Yes, 5 a.m. He was working on a final paper - it was 28 pages long and had a lot of information. Needless to say, he was pretty tired the next day - especially since he had to wake up at 8 when Benjamin woke up. I wish I could say he is all done with that madness, but he's not. He now can't sleep at night. I got up this morning at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom (thank you pregnancy) and Josh was still awake. He couldn't sleep. Hopefully he'll get back on track soon!

Eat breakfast for dinner - CHECK!

This actually happens almost weekly for us. Mostly because I'm tired a lot more lately and I also really love breakfast food. However, the time I am talking about was when we got together with the McMurdies and Hyltons for a night of awesomeness breakfast. I was NOT disappointed. Wow. The crowning touch was Jessie's homemade BACON ICE CREAM! That's right folks, bacon. It was sweet with bacon chunks. Not bad...and very interesting. I wouldn't go asking for it at Charlie's or anything...but it was pretty good.

Well, there are some of our winter bingo updates for now. After this weekend there will be more....woot woot. So excited to party it up some more. I love Christmas time!

Winter Bingo

Who really enjoys winter time...I mean, ALL of winter? Yeah, I enjoy the first snowfall and snow on Christmas...but after that - BOO! 

So I'd like to give a shout out to the MCMURDIES (all caps and big letters signifies that I'm shouting - if you didn't catch it) they came up with Winter Bingo. Winter doesn't have to be horribly painful. (even if the high was 17 today) We've completed some squares, but I don't have pictures for all of them. So here are some of them for now.

TRY A NEW RESTAURANT - check! Here is my box o' leftovers since Josh and I were so distracted during dinner that we forgot to take a picture. Not because we were making googley eyes at each other, but the couple beside us on their first date was distractingly humorous. AWKWARD.  We went to Callaways in Smithfield - for my birthday...without Benjamin. I thought it was good. I loved my three cheese ravioli! And their breadsticks rocked. They're not what you think - just plain bread sticks, but they give you EVOO and the balsamic vinegar for dipping. Plus, you can dip them in your sauce. I liked it.

 

 

 

MAKE A HOMEMADE CARD - check! Alyssa Howe watches our little Benjamin while Josh is at school and I'm at work. On my birthday she had Benjamin and her son Russton make me some cards. So this is more of Benjamin's doing than mine..but it's all in the family.

Here's the inside of my birthday card. MELTS my heart!

SIT ON SANTA'S LAP - check! Obviously Benjamin is not on Santa's lap here. And here is JUST how commercialized Christmas has become - you can't take your own pictures of your kid on Santa's lap at the Layton mall. You have to BUY their pictures. So here is sweet little Benjamin SO extremely excited to see Santa. He marched right up there, sat on his lap and told Santa that he wants toys for Christmas. I think he was even ready to push his cousins off Santa's lap because they went before him. At any rate - this kid loves Santa. Look at those eyes!

We actually went and tried ANOTHER new restaurant (Bella's Mexican Grill in Farr West) and then Santa came around and gave the kids candy canes. The joy of a child is what makes Christmas worth everything - look at Benjamin's excitement over this candy cane that Santa just gave him. If any of you are having a hard time getting excited about Christmas - just come on over and talk to Benjamin - he'll put you in the holiday mood! I'm so excited for Christmas just because he's so excited. He's a blessing in so many ways!

WILLARD BAY LIGHTS - Check! We met my sister, brother-in-law and their two girls for dinner (see above picture) and then we all piled in their car and looked at the lights at Willard Bay. At $9 a car - I wasn't all that impressed. Again - it was a good thing that the kids were there - they made it more fun than anything, but I wasn't $9 impressed.

You can't really see what those words say - but it says the Naughty or Nice detective agency. I told Josh he better watch it...especially if those detectives are anything like Robert Downey Jr. on Sherlock Holmes. Watch your back peeps.

Something else that Benjamin got to do on Winter Bingo was he got to go to the festival of trees in SLC. Alyssa (AKA SUPER WOMAN) took the three kids to the festival of trees last week. Benjamin had a lot of fun!

Watch a Hallmark Movie - CHECK

I love Hallmark movies and there is a fun one on Netflix. Mrs. Miracle. I loved it. It was a good thing that Josh and Benjamin were gone the weekend I watched it because I cried. Hallmark Movies are killer for pregnant women!

So I modified the McMurdie's winter bingo a little bit. We don't ski/snowboard. And now that I'm pregnant, I won't even try. So we crossed that one off and I put BLACK FRIDAY SHOPPING in it's place - check! Black Friday started at 10 p.m. on Thursday for some stores. My brother and sister wanted me to go with them...but I stayed home and puked instead - man I hate puking. Anyway, by noon the next day I was ready to go. We went and I got some good deals - which I can't mention because Josh will probably read this and I got him some things. Anyway, I like Black Friday shopping. I think it's fun - not to get the deals...but to see all the strange people!

So there are some of our Winter Bingo things that we have done. I'll take pictures of the other things we've done and put them on here. Good times!

June, June, June....

We're having a baby in June!

I went to the doctor today and saw the baby via ultrasound and heard the baby's heartbeat. I seem to be ultra emotional these days, so I was almost in tears when I saw that little blob on the screen. I had no idea what I was looking at, but I heard the heartbeat and it was awesome. I'm due June 19th, so that makes me 11 weeks today. Kind of crazy, but we're very excited. I pay special tribute to my dear friends who are struggling to have children. I wish so badly that there was something I could do, but I pray for all of you daily and I am eternally grateful for your love and support.

New Callings

Josh and I were called to the nursery in January 2011. At first it was  a little difficult. It was hard to be in nursery with Benjamin. Maybe some parents like to be in nursery with their kids, but I don't. Not because I don't love my son - I love him a lot - but it was so nice after entertaining Benjamin in sacrament meeting, to be able to go to a meeting and actually listen. Another hard part was that we had only been in the ward 2 months before we were put in the nursery - so it made getting to know the ward members a little difficult. That being said, we really did grow to love all those little kids. We had some amazing kids in there - we also had a couple girls that seemed to be auditioning for WWF...or WWE...whatever. They were brutes, and they'd put kids in headlocks all the time. At any rate, we had fun and we actually got to the point where we had no kids crying when they came to nursery. It was amazing. So just when everything was settled and going fine...I got a new calling. 

I got called to be the 2nd counselor in the primary presidency. I know, right? What in the world? I haven't been in primary since I was actually IN primary! It's true. My first Sunday on the job (November 5th) - I had to do sharing time. The same Sunday, Josh got a call to meet with a member of the Stake Presidency before church. He was called to be the 1st counselor in the Elders Quorum presidency - I'm not surprised, he will be fantastic. My sharing time went well, and Josh was sustained, and set apart in the EQ. Talk about a whirlwind. We are grateful for any calling we receive, even if we're scared out of our minds. I think the hardest part will be for Benjamin. He has gotten used to Mommy and Daddy being in class with him, but I think it will be good for all of us!

So....here goes nothing!

Best Cheeseburger.....EVER

I know, right? It's a new post from The Huff's!

Benjamin and I got sick....on Halloween. It was awful. I started to feel nauseous the entire day, and Benjamin didn't really eat a lot that day. That night, before we went out trick or treating, Benjamin threw up. I thought he did it because he didn't like his dinner...nope. Bad mommy award on that one - wouldn't be the first time. At any rate, I thought Benjamin was done puking. We ran to Macey's to trick or treat there and then we wanted to go to people's houses that we knew. We got done trick or treating at Macey's and Benjamin gave me a painful look, coughed, and threw up in my sleeve. My sleeve caught most of the puke, but we ran to a garbage can and he puked some more....and some more. It was so sad. Luckily Josh was working, so I called him and he came to the rescue - I love that guy! We got home and Benjamin puked a couple more times and I was feeling awful. Josh wasn't supposed to be home for a couple more hours - but prayers were answered and he came home 2 hours early. Hallelujah! He took care of us all night. I fought throwing up because...I HATE THROWING UP! I hate it more than anything...no, you don't understand, I really really hate it. I was in pain all night, waking up every two hours just because I did not...want...to throw...up! 

Finally at 6 a.m. I went to the bathroom and stood there for a couple of minutes trying to talk myself out of puking. But I realized it had to be done, so I pulled my hair back, cleaned the toilet (if I was going to puke I wanted a freshly clean toilet to hang onto) and then I threw up. And yes, I felt so much better - my husband was right. But I hated every minute of it.

On Tuesday and Wednesday my food intake consisted of saltine crackers, Ramen, and Sprite. On Thursday I felt good enough to work, but I was still queasy. I only took crackers and apple sauce to work. At the end of work, I wanted to eat a cow...not kidding. I went to the store to purchase some Christmas presents and all I could think about was eating a hamburger. I have never felt this hungry in my life...EVER. I couldn't believe it when I thought about it, but McDonald's sounded SO good! That's all I could think of - so there I went. I had a cheeseburger and it was THE best cheeseburger I've ever had in my entire life - and it will probably remain that way in my memory for forever...and I'm not a McDonald's fan! 

So...you want the best cheeseburger ever? Just starve yourself for 3 days and then go to the worst, but fastest, place to get a cheeseburger...and there you have it. BEST cheeseburger EVER!